On the 3rd of this month my husband and I celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything ostentatious, just dinner out the weekend before and a quiet dinner at home with our daughter the day of because it was in the middle of the work week. We are usually pretty low key on "non-milestone" years. So that means about once every 5 years we celebrate with a party of some sort.
Over the years I have often felt like I was not good enough to deserve the life I have been blessed with. I have felt inadequate, lazy, sloppy and down right depressed about how I behaved as a wife and mother. I have struggled with depression since I was a teen and have had a long road sometimes and over the years have learned how to "pull myself up by the boot straps" and move forward.
I have utilized anti depressants in the past (before our daughter was born) and since she has been in my life I have struggled tremendously. What makes it even worse it that I feel bad for being depressed! I feel like I should be a better mommy, be more fun and more playful. You see I was 32 when she was born. I've always been over-weight and I keep saying I'm going to loose the weight to be a better more fun mommy but I keep going back to the same old patterns.
Well today at church our pastor preached on how those patterns when we keep doing the change from being a bad habit to being a way of life! How God wants to sow His seeds in fertile soil so we can serve Him and live a blessed life but that those habits that become a way of life are separating us from God so that He cannot plant seeds. You see God won't plant seeds in ground that is not prepared. Pastor talked about how we need to prepare ourselves to receive the seeds God wants to plant so that we might bear fruit.
God is committed to the fruitfulness of our futures. He is asking if you would commit to His commitment.
John 15:4 says " Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me."
John 15:8 " When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to the Father."
John 15:16 "You didn't choose me, I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for using my name." (emphasis mine)
So you see the habits we have are sin and we all know that sin separates us from God. Pastor says we should Identify the "thorns" in our life. Boy that hit me right in the heart! My refusal to take care of my home and husband over the years has been me being disobedient to God. The bible says that God created me to be his Helpmeet. He works hard to provide for his family and I am supposed to be diligent here at home providing a haven for him. Teaching our child, making sure my family has food and clothing and are well respected. I am meant to HONOR ( aka RESPECT) my husband. I made that vow!
The word goes on to say
"Plow up the hard ground of your hearts! Do not waste your good seed among thorns." Jeremiah 4:3
Our prayer should be:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offend you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:23-24
We should let the Holy Spirit filter us completely. I sat in church with tears streaming as I hear the spirit speaking to me. 'You have strayed daughter, you don't spend time in My word anymore, You only come to church, but you forget to hear with you whole heart.' I was truly and fully chastised.
As I prayed and cried and repented of my obvious sin. I begged God to give me a renewed vigor and hunger for His word and for teaching my daughter how to live according to Proverbs 31. I had wanted that for us since before she was born. I always wanted to teach my daughters how God intended us to live.
My 7 year old struggles to accomplish any one task because I have allowed her to become slothful, like me. So tonight after my husband went to work (he's on nights for a few weeks). I sat down with my bible and my little princess and I apologized to her for neglecting to teach her what I knew in my heart God had instructed ME to teach her. I showed the the biblical characteristics of a wife and mother. I explained to her that this week we are going to focus on a different one each day and possibly extend it to one week on each Character trait.
I prayed and asked to God to forgive me and to guide my steps as I step up to the challenge of working through the pain ( because with significant change comes pain {mental and/or physical}) .
Starting tomorrow I'm getting dressed to my tennis shoes, and taking my daughter and dog for a nice long walk. We are going to get active every morning and then crack the books starting with bible study. So I'm asking for any and all of my mommy friends to help me stay accountable!
We are going to have a clean house daily, a clean kitchen before bed each night and fight the war on clutter. I have a week planned including the evening meal!
Well If you have made it this far thank you. I knew earlier I was going to make this post and I was asking God what to say and I felt that I needed to just share the ugly truth.
I would love you feedback, especially if you have tips on how to stay motivated to keep your home tidy!
I want to be organized even though I was not born that way!
Be Blessed!
G...
