MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Well it is unseasonably warm today. I spent a large portion of the day cooking. First I made sausage balls, then I put the ham in the roaster to slow roast, the i baked some cornbread for dressing. I visited my neighbor Sarah and helped her bake a couple of pies.

Oh! last night I made Wassail a hot cider type drink that cooks for about 4 hours.

Dinner was great ham dressing, roasted potatoes, honey carrots and deviled eggs.

Yummy!

Happy New Year!

Stupid Questions!

Why do people ask for advise or for your opinion when they really don't want it?
I mean if you want to know how i feel about something don't get mad or upset when I tell you how i feel!

My Daughter asked what i thought of her getting pregnant. So I told her, I think she needs to be married, she needs to finish school, and have a chance to have a career! I mean her father and I have not even met this man who is 15 years older than her. I think this is all brought on by the fact that his mother is dying and they are pressuring her into getting pregnant. This really does make me mad!
I mean I have not seen my daughter in a year because she is 1500 miles away from home and she is not coming home for Christmas and she is not even trying to come home after the first of the year. So i don't know what to do right now.

Preparing for Christmas

Normally I am in full swing Christmas mode by this time. However I have been informed that most of the people that I invited to Christmas dinner are not going to be attending.
So I have had to invite other people that would come to dinner since I have food here that is ready to be prepared.

I got my nails done for Christmas and Ernie were invited to a party and I think it will be a lot of fun.

I've got most of my Christmas cards done and we have the apartment decorated.
Next Wednesday is the first day for our new housekeeper to work and I still need to send her and email and tell her what i want her to do. lol

well i've got to run some errands tonight so... hast manana!

Still in the hospital....

I am feeling much better and hoping to go home this evening. The doctor said that as long as my last test comes back soon and okay I can go home. But of course the Hospitals NEVER do anything in a timely manner! At least not in our time!

In The Hospital

I've never really had to be in the hospital for too long. I certainly have never been in the hospital for my heart before.

My blood pressure got up real high and my pulse was racing and I couldn't get it to slow down so I woke Ernie up and had him bring me to St. Lukes Baptist hospital and the er doc said that I really needed to see a cardiologist and should just stay. So here I sit...I've been here for almost 24 hours and I'm going on about 1 hour of sleep in 48 hours.... so as you can imagine i'm doing fine ;)! LOL

I know i'm about sick and tired of having my fingers pricked though!

So i'm stuck here waiting to finish getting tests and the test results and then waiting for them to tell me I can go home!


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Now playing: Dr.Hook - When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman
via FoxyTunes

blogging on through

Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was not super eventful. Ernie and I spent the day with my sister and her girlfriend Belen. The girls cooked a really good meal for us and a few of their friends. we kept our friends dog over the holiday and that thrilled Jack to no end. Now he wants to go out all the time.

Work is going well.. I've been working quite a bit but I really like my job. I love getting to help people everyday to understand how their medical insurance works.

I have been spending my nights trying to get my foot to stop hurting, i've developed arthritis and it is a real pain in the ass.

I am having trouble trying to figure out what to get Ernie for Christmas. He is not as easy to buy for as one might think. I've told him a few of the things I would like to have and I would like to get him more than one gift as in the past I've only ever been able get him one gift for christmas.

I'm going to have to get some suggestions !

Getting Older.....

So I have decided that as we get older we tend to seem like we are falling apart. I go to the doctor on a regular basis every three months for lab tests and sooner if something else goes wrong.

I am taking a few different meds now and that drives me nuts! I am going to have to have a neurological test on the nerves in my right arm and hand. :( I have been having some extreme pain in it and it is beginning to affect my usage of it.

On the up side I found an Avon lady and I can order my face wash and moisturizer!
I've been super tired these last couple of weeks and have decided that getting up at 4:30 am is for the birds!!!

Ready For Change....

I think that we are ready to accept change in America. We have had so much bickering and immaturity that it is time that people unite and stop bickering and allow the change to happen.
It no longer matters how people feel about race, or democrats and republicans, it is about praying that this country is in hands of someone who can help bring positive Change to our country.
Tonight we witnessed History in the making Barak Obama has been elected President. This will be America's FIRST Africian American president. To me I think it is about time! Now all we need is a Woman to win! ;)

It is going be a new experience for everyone and I believe that is will help make our country more united. I just hope the Arian Nation does not attempt something stupid. I hate that there are people out there who think they are supperior because of thier color....

okay enough of the soap box....


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Now playing: Michael Bublé - Feeling Good
via FoxyTunes

How Time Fly's

okay so i've been a baaaad blogger again! ;)
I think things are finally settling down here. I am working full time once again and really loving my job. I am working on getting a promotion. I work for the WEST Corp. on the Aetna Medicare project and I love being able to help our callers get educated on there medical care options. This is really something I don't plan on leaving. I honestly love it!

We decided not to move out of our apartment and I am still having trouble believing that as of today I have lived in this apartment for 1 year. It has been a year filled with ups and downs and trial and error. We learned that never again will we trust people to live with us. We are better off keeping to ourselves here in our little corner and I have the spare bedroom for company, an office and a laundry room! A multi-purpose room!

In 10 day's I'll be 31 and my best friends will getting older with me! David's birthday is on the 8th and Willow's is the 18th. Scorpio's! LOL
We have some great memories me and Dave. We've known each other for 16 years now and we've shared some great times.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATES! I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!
~G~

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Now playing: Dr.Hook - When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Kid Rock - All Summer Long
via FoxyTunes

Going Back To Work....

was not really what I wanted to do but I realize that if I want this nice apartment and I want to have enough money to afford baby things and so forth I need to work. I think if I really put everything I have into my job that I will like it and do well. I am praying that it will be pretty stress free. I know with every job there is going to be stress I am just praying that the good Lord will help me deal with it alot better than I have in the past.

After spending part of my weekend in the ER suffering from vertigo I have decided that I am going to ask my doctor to up my dosage of anti-depressants and lower my Metformin. I am not totally sure that my meds are not the cause of these dizzy spells.

Sooooo I am excited about getting back to work and Church! :)

I've Been Thinking....

Maybe I am crazy..

They say the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over each time expecting different results. THAT'S ME! Well Kind of!

I mean I have always been someone who tries to fix thing/ people. When someone comes to me with a problem they ask for my advise or my help. So I tell it like I see it.

If you come to me with a problem and I have good idea about hte situation you can expect that I will tell you exactly how I feel or what I think about the situation. Don't come to me if you are wanting someone to tell you that you are right in everything you do and that you have done nothing wrong.
For instance.... I know someone who cheated on her spouse and got pregnant by the other man. She expected me to tell her that because her spouse cheated on her that it was okay for her to do the same thing. WRONG!!! I am not going to tell her that!

I have been in that EXACT situation. My first husband cheated on me and in turn when I discovered this I "payed" him back by doing the same thing! a few months later I discovered I was pregnant. When I went to tell the man I was pregnant there was a non related fight and we never spoke again.. I miscarried a few weeks later and was all alone.

I kept that secret for over 10 years. I am so very glad that I finally came cleanto my spouse because it has brought us closer.

I once had a therapit who informed me that I expect too much out of people. I still have not quite figured that one out!
So I expect adult to behave as adults and to take responsibility for their actions! Are we NOT supposed to do that???

I thought the WHOLE point of being a grown up was being responsible! Of course I know many, many, many people who are incapable of being responsible and they will be social rejects for the rest of their lives because they refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their actions much less for other!

I guess I am one of those people who has always felt "grown up" I mean I had a childhood and I partied as teenager but I also took hold of my responsibilities and became a responsible adult when the time came. which for me was at a very early age. I was married for the first time at 17.
I was devoreced by 19 and I married my husband a month before my 21st birthday.

We have been married 10 years this year and we have had our share of struggles but I am trying to find a happy medium. We moved to get a fresh start and learn to be a couple again.

Wetried to help a friend and we got screwe twice! THAT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN!
now we are doing what needs to be done for us!

okay i've been rambling for way to long now!

~G~

Trying Not to be Easily Annoyed

I tend to be very easily annoyed. I think people are my problem. My therapist says that my expectations of others are too high. I don't dare tell this to my room mates as I honestly don't think that is the case with them. How can you not expect maturity and responsibility out of grown adults?
Is that really too much to ask? I mean is it expecting too much from someone to expect them to clean up after themselves or to contribuite to the household financially?

Is it too much to expect an adult room mate to help keep the common areas of the house clean so that when you have company you don' t have to feel embarrassed about the way your home looks?
Is is too much to ask that when you know rent is due for you to just give me the money and not make me ask for it? If is annoy's you for me to ask for it and it annoys me to have to ask you doesn't it just make sense for you to just give it to me so I don't have to ask???

Geez!! You would think people would want things to be easier!
I know I let these things get to me for no reason some times but I am just sooo tired of being the mature responsible one.

okay I just needed to vent...

~G~

The new Drama

Yesterday Barb and Sherri got here and things I could tell things were tense and I was not quite sure what was going on. Then today We discovered that Sherri has never healed after the death of her older sister whom her father has repeatedly told Sherri that he wishes wouldn't have died and Sherri should have been the one to die. How fucked up is that??!!!

Sherri says she wants to be with Barb. However, eventhough Barb has repeatedly told her that she must be 100% up front and honest Sherri avoids giving strait answers and seems to be hiding something at all times. This builds mistrust in Barb and Sherri doesn't seem to get this.
I have tried to be mediator which is a usual thing for me.

Today I had my second therapy appointmet and we worked on the anger and control issues. She asked me to become more aware of what it is that triggers my anger and why I feel like I loose control sometimes. She asked what it is that I feel i need to do to be aware of those things.

I really think that having my therapist is going to help me in the long run. I know it helps me to have someone that is totally objective and I don'thave to feel like because they are attached to the drama that they are judging me. I talk to her about all my shit. My trust issues, my anger, control, my sexual issues, and even my friends.

I sometimes feel like such a basket case that I don't know what to do!
Screaming seems to work!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, all better now! ;)

Well, More later.
~G~

The Test

I feel as though I am being tested. I have been dealing with so many different feelings and emotions in the past 3 days I am drained. The meds don't seem to be helping.

I feel like everyone has been watching me as though they are on suicide watch and they need to hide the sharp objects from me !It is sooooooo annoying! In fact it makes me even more annoyed / crazy when they watch me like they have been.

I've just been told that someone I love is dying ! !! How am I supposed to act???!!! Do they expect me to be all happy and joyful? Amy has lost her mother but never her best friend. James has lost his grandmother but not his best friend. Yes it hurts to loose a parent and a grandparent but those usually are not the people with whom you share your most intimate thoughts and feelings! I love Barbara and I don't want to loose her! yes I was distraught! I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm hurting and I know they are concerned but I just want them to STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!

Hanging with My Barb!!

So this last weekend my bestest friend ( yes I said bestest) came to visit me in the sunny paradise of San Antonio!

We hung out at the pool and then went downtown to the Riverwalk and had Margaritas at Rita's on the River!
Those were the best rita's!! We are hoping to make some this weekend here at the house and just hang out. We are having a cookout this Saturday and Hopefully my Barb will get to come back !

She and I used to be room mates backin 1996 we were as close as sisters! I am sooo glad that we are able to spend time together! I really missed being away from her.

Feeling Alone

How can people that live in the same house be so distant? I mean I feel so utterly alone in my own home. Things are no different than they were in Oklahoma when Ernie went to bed I was alone. I hate feeling so alone when I am not. They lock themselves in thier bedroom and completely ignore me. She has done it since he moved here and it drives me crazy. Maybe I really do need therapy. I just know that I feel sooooo lonely and the meds help a little but not alot.

I just know that it is so very hard to face all these feelings on my own and I hate feeling angry and alone. Here lately I've had one friend that still talks to me everyone else seems to have forgotten i exist. Just today I finally talked to D. He has not spoken to me in like a week. I am kinda waiting on him to get his nose out of his stupid videos and talk to me about something meaningful. ......

I don't know maybe I'm starved for attention???!!! I wish I knew what was going on and why I feel so insecure. I don't like feeling like this and I've been praying. I Just know that it is hard to hear God when I feel like I do.

*sigh* I don't know!! I am ready to talk to the therapist, and find out why i'm so neurotic.

~G~

New Doctor.

So I finally got to see my Primary Care Physician this week and i really like her.
She gave me some meds for my sinuses and took X-Ray's of them... that was a first for me.

She also gave me something to help with the depression.... the jury is still out on that one.. the meds make me feel fatigued but not sleepy so I have to take them of a morning and feel tired all day. It also makes it hard to keep one train of thought... My brain kind of bounces around.

Sooo that makes me feel a bit grumpy. I It does not help any that Our AC is not working properly and I am still playing taxi. I know the roomies can't help the fact that thier truck is not running well but they could at least make an effort to save money instead of blowing every dime they bring home.

If it is not going toward bills they are spending it on things they don't really need but anyway...

Dr. Roman... my new PCP... decided that I should find a therapist and I have done so. My first appointment with her in on June 3. I am actually looking forward to finding someone that I can talk to outside of my home.
On top of my own problems my family tends to dump all thier crap on me.....
I have stopped calling when I think my stepfather will answer the phone because he is the worst at it.

Well If I don't close now i'm afraid this may turn into a horrible ramble....

TTFN

~G~

Mothers day was good for me... we went to north Texas to visit my mother in law. Ernie bought me an MP3 player and took me and his mom out to a very nice dinner. We also took his aunt and uncle with us.

We had a great time visiting family we had not seen in a very long time. We got to meet our nephew jonathan graham.

It was a long drive but we enjoyed ourselves.

Love...

Something that I feel we often take for granted is REAL Love. Do we really even KNOW what true love is anymore? I have struggled for the past year wondering where and who God really is.
I don't know why I was allowed to go through this trial but I feel that maybe He is bringing me to a place of greatness in Him.

I have been soooo unsure of myself and I need to get back on the right path! I want LOVE , REAL Love! I don't want to feel like I have not faith ever again. I used to be so sure of who I am. For the last year I have not had much faith at all. I am going back to church and I am going to find away to gain back my relationship with God and my husband.

Ernie is such a wonderful man! he has been so patient and I am so glad that God gave him to me! He is turning out to be exactly what i needed. God always seems to give us exactly what we need even when we don't see it.

~G~

randomness

I don't think I will ever understand why these two people are so disfunctional. On second thought I think I do.



He lets her run over him and she lets him neglect her. They are a perfect fit. Neither one of them would be able to function in a normal healthy relationship. ... of course I'm almost positive that they would never be able to FIND a normal relationship. She is becoming more and more annoying and I am going to have to put up with both of them tomorrow!!! :( I'm NOT happy about that. I was hoping and looking forward to having the day alone tomorrow. I hate not having any privacy... and to me privacy is only able to happen when I can be totally alone. I know that may seem a bit odd but that is just how I feel. I am going to have to find a way to be alone for awhile every week or i'm going to go crazy.



I miss my you... we have struggled with so much and I know that I can never ... oh never mind.........you know who you are and.... well I love this song it makes me think...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away But I know that this **much** is true
We'll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today'
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Time flies

We have been some busy people! I am glad to be working and I hope that I can continue to contirbute to my household. we are getting to do somethings finally.
I am so glad that things are going better.
I have so many thing happening in me right now that I can't wait to get into therapy. I think it will help me sort out the jumble in my head.

Darkness looms where I fear to tread and how I hear confusion in my head.

FINALLY!!

I have been unable to access my blog for over a month! I was sooo mad... my computer kept rejecting the cookies from the site.

I have a new job as a directory assistance operator. My sister Had a baby on Feb 28th! a premie but healthy baby girl... Isabell Daliah.... she weighed 4lbs 10.7oz..

WE are loving San Antonio and have not really doen too many exciting things but plan to do more as soon as we get a few bills taken care of.

We are going to start trying to conceive again! I am sooo excited! It will be amazing! I know it is a long hard road but I am ready to have a baby.

well it is getting late I have to work early tomorrow so i'm off to bed... but now that I am able to blog I will be back !
~G~

WOW I forgot to blog!

As you may have noticed I forgot to blog. I have been rather busy and completely forgot to blog about all the goings on in my daily life.

On December 20th Ernie and Amy got here and we proceeded to get ready for Christmas. Things have been going non stop every since. I have been working almost every day and I am getting very tired.

Ernie started his new job yesterday and I am so very thankful. I was starting to stress being the only one working and trying to pay all our bills on nine dollars an hour. Amy will be starting a job soon I hope and it looks like I'll have to change jobs in order to make our house hold run smoothly. We are trying to find what works for us.

I do not mind being able to only work part time and be home to cook for my husband and I like the Idea that I'll get to have a clean home for my family to come home to.

I do miss being home but I don't want to be at home all day every day, and I like the freedom I will have with at least a part time job so that I can continue to do little things for myself every so often.

Well I will post again when I have more time.
Sorry it took so long for me to blog. i'll try to be more dedicated.

~G~